Friday, June 26, 2009

So today was a strange and sad day. Farrah Fawcett passed away from her 3 year battle with cancer this morning. Then at about 4:30 the news lady came on and said that Michael Jackson had died. They are saying that it was cardiac arrest, but they won't know for sure until after the autopsy.

He was only 50 and getting ready to do a 'comeback' concert tour. I don't know how I feel about his death, I know that prolly isn't the p.c. thing to say, but that's what I'm thinking. He was an amazing dancer, singer, writer and performer. (I forgot how much I love his earlier music, I hope they aren't all sold out by the time I get there to buy them) I love dancing and I was always captivated watching him dance, both as a child and as an adult. My feelings are confused because I don't know what he did or didn't do to the boys that accused him of sexual abuse. All I can go on is that very odd interview that he did with Martin Breshear with his accuser sitting next to him. At one point the boy quoted Michael as saying that 'if you really love me you will sleep in my bed'....if that doesn't sound like something a child molester would say, I don't know what does. And then he did settle for a monetary amount with the first boy that accused him. But he was acquitted by a jury from all charges made by the second boy. I guess a month or two later two of the jurors changed their minds and decided that he was guilty after all....no idea what the hell happened there. I need to google it and find out. So it is sad that he died and how horrible for his family and friends....I just don't know how much I can allow myself to be sad for him.....what is the right thing to 'feel' in this situation, when you truly don't know what to believe?

The whole situation with Farrah Fawcett just blows me away. I guess in my head I figure that rich people have enough money and access to get the best treatments in the world....and with all that accesses they will be cured. But that isn't the way that it works. She got treatments in the U.S. and she went overseas (to Germany I think) to get cutting edge treatments. She had the right attitude, she had the courage and the fighting spirit, she had all the treatments available.......and she still lost her battle with the damn cancer. It makes me think; if she couldn't win with all of that, how in the hell would I or my husband (God forbid we got one) win a battle against an illness like that? I worry so much about my husband because he won't stop smoking those damn cigarettes. I told him about her fight and all he says is that he is 'I am thinking about quitting'. How do I get him to stop? I don't know how he can hear a story like Farah's and continue to slowly kill himself one cigarette at a time....

June 23rd

So um yeah....depression sucks ass. I am changing my anti depressant because the one that I was on just quit working. I was on it for 4 years, so maybe my brain just got to used to it. What sucks is that you can't just stop taking one and start taking another abruptly....you have to do it slowly, and it sucks. I am tired all the time and my brain feels so cloudy.

Then I went and got the stupid steroid shots in my back the other day and that's not making my situation any better. We went to get groceries and my back hurt worse! So much pain and pressure. I think it's messing with my blood sugar too, so all of the sudden I get really shaky. Wow, this is such a fun time in my life!

I know that time goes by fast and before I know it I'll be looking back on this time happy to be through with it, but damn does it suck atm. I want to get started on my website, but I can't even think clearly enough to get anything figured out. Trying to crochet my little Puppy Angel, but even that's slow going.

One of the bad dogs peed on my notebook that had some of my jokes that I had written (I dream of doing stand up) in it and I was so frustrated that I just threw the whole thing away....I think I am regretting that now. I think I had like 7 good jokes in there and I don't remember what they were. Oh well, it's not like I'm ever going to get a chance to do stand up anyways. Geez this was such an upbeat post!

Sunday 21, 2009...1.13am

So I was laying my son down for his nap today and he sat up, I told him to lay back down and being 2.5 instead of simply laying back, he flung himself back at full speed and the back of his head hit my brow bone. So now I have a wonderfully beautiful black eye. This is only the second time in my life that I've had a black eye...surprisingly they have both been courtesy of him. So I have quite the head pain and it's a bit hard to see out of my left eye...bummer!

So I found a new way to waste time on the net.....watching 'host reels'. I think that these are what aspiring uh....'hosts' put together to show prospective employers. I think partially why I find them funny is because they aren't all clips from actual jobs....they are made up hosting jobs or infomercial. I feel like I am watching children who got a hold of their parents' camcorders and are playing like they're on tv. I'm not saying any of this in a mean way, I know this is what they have to do to get actual paying jobs...but that doesn't make them any less funny! Plus it's summertime and tv sucks...I have to have something entertaining to watch!

the best crochet hooks

I learned to crochet when I was 6 years old (I'm 31 now) and I have always used the plain old aluminum hooks....not anymore! My wrist pain has gotten almost unbearable, I have to take frequent breaks from crocheting and that really slows my progress. So I have been trying the various hooks out there and I found one that I just love! It's the Super Smooth Lion Brand hooks. They are awesome! It took a little getting used to because they are slightly bendy (I guess flexible would be a better word, lol), but once I got used to it I took off. They are feather light and very smooth. I also like that they are color coded, so each size has it's own color (if you have a hard time reading little print this will make it much easier to tell which needle you're grabbing.) very convenient.

Along the way I tried the Red Heart Crystalite needles, they are the hard plastic ones and I hated them. There is a sharp hill (lump) going up from the hook part and the yarn kept sticking there so it was making me crochet v..e..r..y s..l..o..w...l..y :P Luckily that one was only $2, so it wasn't a huge loss.

Then I tried the ergonomic hook by Clover. I was really excited to try this one, I figured since it said that it's ergonomic that it would be the best hook. I got it at Michael's where they are $7, so a whole set of these was going to be a small investment if I liked them. But if I could use them and lessen my wrist pain it would be well worth the money. I should have told you by now that they way I hold the hook is overhanded, I think it's called the knife grip. Well the hook has a nice grip on it and it felt good in my hand. There's no awkward lumps on it, so it was very smooth. The hook part of it is just like the old aluminum hooks so there was no problem getting used to it. I was going along just fine until I realized that my pinky finger was totally asleep :( I tried to adjust the way that I was holding it but it didn't matter, it kept cutting off the circulation. Bummer, turns out it wasn't so ergonomic for me.

So I almost didn't even try the Lion Brand needles because I thought that they were going to be just like the Red Heart hard plastic ones, but I am so happy that I gave them a shot! I only wish that I had tried them sooner. I still get wrist pain, but not as soon and I don't have to take as many stretch/rest breaks. I am going to order some of these wrist warmers and see if they make a difference. Oh, there is one downside to the Lion Brand hooks; they aren't as durable as the aluminum ones. As soon as I realized I loved the hook one of my dogs stole it out of my bag and chewed it to the point that it wasn't usable...bad, bad doggies! At Michael's they are around $3, not bad. They have a set of six hooks for $15.99, but I've seen them for less online. I will probably end up using one of their 40% off coupons and just getting them there to avoid any shipping charges. I figured I would post this to try and save someone else from the trouble and money of trying these hooks. Happy hooking!

what I am crocheting right now

So atm I am crocheting a small drawstring bag for my husband to put is dungeons & dragons dice and figurines in. I found this pattern at the crochet dude's site. It says that it's a jewelry pouch, but I think it will work for a dice holder. I am going to man it up a bit though. I am making it look like a bloodshot eyeball. The starting round is the pupil (black), followed by blue/green for the iris and then white for the outer part. The outside edges are red (like the gooey veins that hold the eye in :D lol and when I sew the two pieces together I will use red yarn, that will make it bloodshot. Pretty icky, huh? I am trying to get it done by friday so that he can take it to their little gathering, but I'm messing around trying to get this blog just right so I don't know if it will be done in time. After I am done with that I'm going to make an amigurumi that will be a tribute to my dog Pepe.

I would like to get a few amigurumi patterns designed so that I can get them up on etsy but I don't know what to do. I figure that is a good starting place for me, before I start putting a book together...that is my ultimate goal. (I think I can, I think I can, lol)

my dearest Puppy...

I had to have my beloved dog Pepe (aka Puppy) put to sleep last week. He was only 7 years old, but he was very sick, could barely walk and he had a bad heart. No one will ever know how much he meant to me, he was there for some of the darkest times in my life. He was also there to celebrate the greatest joys I've ever had. He was consistent, he was my rock and he was ALWAYS by my side.

This is a horribly painful time. I keep thinking that I've cried all that I can and then something pops into my head and I start crying again. I have to maintain my composure during the day as I have a 2.5 year old son, but at night it's my time to think, remember and weep. I thank God that I have my other dogs, two of which Puppy fathered. I suffer from depression, so I have to try to find that medium place where I can greive, but not allow my self to fall into that deep dark hole that is depression. Puppy isn't here to get me out of it.

I miss the way that he would gently lick my tears when I cried. I miss the way that he would sit at my side with his head on my leg. I miss how he would curl up under a blanket until he got so hot he would drag himself out from under it and flop over on the floor all stretched out to cool off.

When my husband would work nights Pepe would lay in my husbands spot on the bed with his head on the pillow, he was the man of the house when my husband was out. I am partially deaf in one ear and Puppy would let me know when he heard something. Whether it was someone at the door or my son waking up. Even at the end when he was sick all he cared about was being next to me, I had to force myself to be calm and happy around him because if I did start breaking down and crying he gathered all his strength and did his damndest to care for me. It makes me sad that I could never be as good to him as he was to me. I love him so much and I miss him dearly, I am having chest pain and I know that it's my heart aching for him. My husband keeps assuring me that it will get easier and I'm sure it will, time seems to shave off the roughest parts of life. I think that Pepe has some how communicated with the other dogs in my pack/family as they are each doing things to help me that Puppy would do if he were here. Even though Puppy was a chihuahua, they have very large paws to fill.

I hope that writing about my feelings will help me to get through this a little easier. I think that I'm one of those people that can express my feelings through writing easier then trying to speak them, I wonder why that is? I want to think that Pepe is still around me or in heaven sitting at God's side with his head in God's lap. Maybe God just wanted to feel the connection that Puppy and I had and that's why he brought him up to heaven. ;) I love you Puppy...

here goes nothing....

Good god, I had no idea that setting up a blog would be such a feat! But that's what happens when you're a freak like me, I went from the idea of, "hey it might be fun to start a little blog" to reading about MySQL and SEO. I am what I would call a window hoarder, some people hoard pets or clothes....I hoard websites. I always have 7-12 windows open with websites or various things I'm working on. I just get distracted way to easily, I will set out to do something and have to search for something that I need more info on and then 3 hours later I've got nothing done and am reading about something that has zero to do with my original topic. Sorry if I'm hard to follow....I don't really think in a straight line ;)

So the my motive for starting this is to try and keep myself on task with my book and to put my thoughts about topics like John Titor out there and see what other people say. I am going to put together a crochet pattern book and try to get it published. As far as the book goes I have no idea what the hell I'm doing....as usual. I have no experience with writing a book, but that's why I love the internet. You can learn anything your little heart desires and boy does my heart have some desires!