my dearest Puppy...

I had to have my beloved dog Pepe (aka Puppy) put to sleep last week. He was only 7 years old, but he was very sick, could barely walk and he had a bad heart. No one will ever know how much he meant to me, he was there for some of the darkest times in my life. He was also there to celebrate the greatest joys I've ever had. He was consistent, he was my rock and he was ALWAYS by my side.

This is a horribly painful time. I keep thinking that I've cried all that I can and then something pops into my head and I start crying again. I have to maintain my composure during the day as I have a 2.5 year old son, but at night it's my time to think, remember and weep. I thank God that I have my other dogs, two of which Puppy fathered. I suffer from depression, so I have to try to find that medium place where I can greive, but not allow my self to fall into that deep dark hole that is depression. Puppy isn't here to get me out of it.

I miss the way that he would gently lick my tears when I cried. I miss the way that he would sit at my side with his head on my leg. I miss how he would curl up under a blanket until he got so hot he would drag himself out from under it and flop over on the floor all stretched out to cool off.

When my husband would work nights Pepe would lay in my husbands spot on the bed with his head on the pillow, he was the man of the house when my husband was out. I am partially deaf in one ear and Puppy would let me know when he heard something. Whether it was someone at the door or my son waking up. Even at the end when he was sick all he cared about was being next to me, I had to force myself to be calm and happy around him because if I did start breaking down and crying he gathered all his strength and did his damndest to care for me. It makes me sad that I could never be as good to him as he was to me. I love him so much and I miss him dearly, I am having chest pain and I know that it's my heart aching for him. My husband keeps assuring me that it will get easier and I'm sure it will, time seems to shave off the roughest parts of life. I think that Pepe has some how communicated with the other dogs in my pack/family as they are each doing things to help me that Puppy would do if he were here. Even though Puppy was a chihuahua, they have very large paws to fill.

I hope that writing about my feelings will help me to get through this a little easier. I think that I'm one of those people that can express my feelings through writing easier then trying to speak them, I wonder why that is? I want to think that Pepe is still around me or in heaven sitting at God's side with his head in God's lap. Maybe God just wanted to feel the connection that Puppy and I had and that's why he brought him up to heaven. ;) I love you Puppy...